When You Realize You Can't Carry Your Own Child

When I went off of Tamoxefin in December 2016, I went off mainly so that we could start a family. We wanted to be off all medication for a year before we started trying so that our baby and I could have a nice clean healthy start. Unfortunately that isn't what went down. When I found out in December of 2017 that my cancer was still there, it rocked us in more ways than before. This time the big C word was messing with my unborn family on top of my regular family.

We had the conversations with my oncologist and my oncological surgeon and they agreed that timing wise there was time before we started hormonal treatment since it was very slow growing, that we could do embryo freezing. So that's what we did. This part of my blog goes into that journey since it's a huge learning process all on it's own.

I never thought I would care about having children or not, or carrying my own or not...but when you are told it's safer for you not to...that's when it gets you. The thought of never feeling the kicking of a baby, the thought of not being able to have my horse snuggle my stomach like I was when I was in the womb...lots of random stuff. As all of my friends and family keep getting pregnant and having their babies, 2018 was a hard one for me mentally. Seeing their happiness and excitement and joy. But then I remembered, we will still have that but just in a different way. To help get us through the embryo shots and surgeries as well as complete our home, we got Sally. A little Cavalier King Charles Spaniel/Poodle Mix who stole our hearts. She snuggled with me as I got 3 shots a day that were horribly painful...when I came home from surgery to remove my eggs...when we found out how many viable embryos we had. She's a backbone of our family now, and will help get us through the next phase of our journey.

6 weeks old, Feb 2018